I’d like to request funding for an art project that I call Tea With Bea.

It would be a performance piece wherein Bea Arthur impersonators* form a line on stage and then procede to empty their bowels into tea cups.

I know, I know–this is positively pushing the limit here. I mean, who am I, Andres Serrano? No, not even close, but please, NEA, give me a chance. I’ll explain.

It’s a bunch of Bea Arthurs. Taking craps. In tea cups.

How can you fail to see the importance in that? You can’t. So please make the check out to Fat Brunettes© and send it on its way.

*Bea Arthur would, of course, be welcome to join in herself.

May 28, 2009: Both Megin and Rebecca have only the deepest admiration for Bea Arthur. We were very sorry to hear of her passing and will miss her contributions in the areas of entertainment and social consciousness.

Now here’s a painting of her naked.

Megin:
Holly Hunter had twins.

Rebecca:
She was pregnant?

Megin:
I didn’t know either.

Megin:
But on msn news it says she delivered twins.

Megin:
With her British partner, Gordon Somethingorother

Rebecca:
sniggering
Maybe she was the midwife.

Megin:
Nope, she da baby mama.

Rebecca:
I didn’t know she was knocked up…weird.

Megin:
I know…she tells you everything on myspace and LJ, right?

Megin:
But just like that, she, Jenna and Barb, and Alanis go all radio
silent and shit.

Rebecca:
No, it’s just that she and I aren’t speaking right now. She stole Alanis Morrislut from me.

Megin:
Those celebs are like the wind.

Megin:
Blowing one way today, another way tomorrow.

Megin:
Always blowing though.

Rebecca:
Yeah celebrities blow.

Rebecca:
With all the choices we have to make in life, some of them are bound to be bad.

Megin:
Of course; that’s inevitable.

Rebecca:
Good, so we both agree I should eat this whole box of cookies then. Just making sure.

Rebecca:
I changed your blurb on the About page.

Megin:
reading her new blurb, which calls her “the funny one”
I’m so NOT the funny one.

Rebecca:
You are too. If it weren’t for you, nothing funny would ever go on here except the farting.

Megin:
The farting noises you make with your hands while you make banners?

Rebecca:
Exactly.

Megin:
That’s pretty funny in and of itself.

Rebecca:
Yeah. Fat noises are funny.
realizing her typo
Fart. I said FART!

Megin:
Fat noises, fart noises…whatever.

Rebecca:
Same thing really.

Rebecca:
Yahoo talked me into taking this personality quiz that was really just a ruse to get me into their personals site.

Megin:
Oh yeah? What did you learn about yourself?

Rebecca:
That my “perfect match” is diametrically opposed to me in every way. I don’t meet his requirements and he doesn’t meet mine. At all.

Megin:
upon viewing the fellow’s online profile
Wow, you two are oil and water.

Rebecca:
No, no. At least oil and water could combine to make a tasty salad dressing. He and I are beach sand and pussy lips.

Rebecca:
Cheese comes from milk, right?

Megin:
Essentially, yes.

Rebecca:
And you can milk a goat and get goat’s milk and then make goat cheese, yeah?

Megin:
If you’re in to that kind of thing.

Rebecca:
Well, couldn’t you conceivably make cheese from any mammal then?

Megin:
with a hint of hesitancy
For instance?

Rebecca:
Well, Julia Roberts. She just had those kids and she’s primed for milking.

Megin:
Mmm…celebrity cheese.

Rebecca:
Or, well, what about dogs?

Megin:
Briard Brie?

Rebecca:
Muttzarella?

Megin and Rebecca together:
Colby Jack Russell!

This recipe was passed down to me from my wonderful, dearly departed, Grandma Allene – The Original Fat Brunette©.

ELEPHANT STEW

Ingredients:
- 1 medium elephant*
- 2 rabbits (optional)
- salt & pepper to taste

Directions:
Cut elephant into bite size pieces. This should take about 2 months.

Add enough of your favorite gravy to cover.

Cook over a kerosene fire for about 4 weeks at 465 degrees

Serves:
About 3000 people. If more come than expected, the rabbits may be added. Do this only if necessary as most people don’t like hare in their soup.

*May substitute 5 Clydesdale horses when in season.

Rebecca:
I accidentally French braided my hair.

Megin:
How is that possible?

Rebecca:
I don’t know, but I sure did it.

Megin:
Well, it’s better than that time you accidentally gave yourself an enema.

Rebecca:
I’ll say. Less messy too.

Megin:
Can we change the Fat Brunette password to something easier for me to remember?

Rebecca:
You can’t remember 141014?

Megin:
No.

Rebecca:
You can’t remember Creamora Lee Simmons’s neck measurements?

Megin:
howling with laughter
I guess I can.

PLEASE NOTE: The password has since been changed, don’t try it.